I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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