youre lurking in front of me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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