i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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