your parents love me but you hate me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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