Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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