if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
