I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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