We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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