Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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