Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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