"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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