Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
