I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
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