So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
