I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
