How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
