I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize