you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
