One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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