I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
