So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
