How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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