Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
