If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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