Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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