I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
