He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize