You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
