6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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