so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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