Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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