Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
