I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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