You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
