Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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