What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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