sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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