Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
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