No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
