I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize