You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
