Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
