At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize