You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
