I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
