I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
