The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
