Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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