He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I would fuck him just for his dog
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize