Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
