if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
