he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
