Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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