We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize