Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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