Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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