i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
