dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
