Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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