So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize