happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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