I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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