I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize