Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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